Khawlah bint Hakim and the Lost Art of Matchmaking
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious the Most Merciful
Khawlah bint Hakim was a matchmaker during the time of the Prophet ﷺ, who helped couples marry — including the Prophet himself.
Her strong people skills and ability to unite families is a desperately needed role in modern society, which has experienced a decline in matchmakers. This article analyses the legacy of Khawlah bint Hakīm and explores the ways the Muslim community can revive organic matchmaking in the contemporary age.
The Famous Matchmaker
Khawlah bint Ḥakīm was a popular figure in Makkan society. She was known for her intelligence, kindness and knowledge of medicine. Her most famous role was being a matchmaker - in Jahaliyah and in Islam. Khawlah and her husband Uthman ibn Mazūn were one of the first 15 people to embrace Islam. The couple were close friends of Khadijah رَحِمَهَا ٱللَّٰهُ and the Prophet ﷺ. Khawlah later helped the Prophet remarry following the death of Khadījah. Ibn Saʿd narrates:
“When Khadijah, may God be pleased with her, died, Khawlah bint Hakim came to the Messenger of God, may God bless him and grant him peace, and said: ‘Why don’t you get married?’
He said: ‘Who?’
She said: ‘If you wish, a virgin, and if you wish, a widow.’
He said: ‘Who is the virgin? And who is the widow?’
‘As for the virgin, it is the daughter of the most beloved of God’s creation to you, Aisha bint Abi Bakr, may God be pleased with him, and as for the widow, it is Sawda bint Zamʿa. She has believed in you and followed you.’
He said: ‘Go and mention me to them.’”
(Ibn Saʿd, 1995, pp. 39–40)
First, Khawlah approached Abu Bakr’s family, starting with Aisha’s mother Umm Ruman. The events are narrated in al-Bayhaqī:
[Khawlah] said, “So I went to Umm Ruman and said, ‘O Umm Ruman, what goodness and blessings has God bestowed upon you?’
She said, ‘What?’”
The Messenger of Allah, may God bless him and grant him peace, mentioned Aisha.
She said: Wait, for Abu Bakr is coming. So Abu Bakr came, and I mentioned it to him.
And he said: Is she suitable for him, being his niece?
The Messenger of God, may God bless him and grant him peace, said: I am his brother and he is my brother, and his daughter is suitable for me.” (al-Bayhaqī, 2003, p. 411).
After Aisha’s previous engagement was dissolved, arrangements were made for her marriage to the Prophet ﷺ. Khawlah then goes to Sawda bint Zama’s home.
Sawda was a widow whose husband As-Sakran ibn Amr had passed away after their migration from Abyssinia. She was now in her fifties and living with her elderly father.
Khawlah approaches Sawda’s father, Zam'ah ibn Qays. She stated that Muhammad ibn Abullahah ibn ʿAbd al-Mutalib wanted to marry his daughter.
Sawda’s father expressed joy at the noble match due to the prestige of the Prophet’s lineage. He then calls his daughter to confirm whether she agreed to be married. Sawda confirmed her acceptance.
Khawlah’s role: Highlighting Religious Characteristics
What remains significant about Khawlah bin Ḥakīm’s matchmaking skills was how strategic it was, particularly the way she conveyed information to appeal to both families.
Khawlah mentioned the best traits of both Aisha and Sawda رضي الله عنهم who would later become the Mothers of the Believers. Aisha was mentioned through the esteemed status of her father, Abu Bakr, the Prophet’s closest friend and Sawda through her early belief in Islam, symbolised through her migration to Abyssinia. This emphasises that a person’s contribution to Islam should be their most valuable characteristic when mentioned for marriage. Abu Hurairah narrates that the Prophet said:
“A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religion. So choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust.”
— Sahih al-Bukhārī, 5090
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ embodied perfect Islamic characteristics. He’d been known as al-Sadiq (the Truthful) and al-Amin (the Trustworthy), even before Islam. Yet, when Khawlah bint Hakīm suggested potential wives to him, he asked her to approach them on his behalf.
His conduct demonstrates the value of humility and good character in seeking marriage. For Muslims today, this provides an example of cultivating a reputation for honesty, trustworthiness and noble character, so that others can confidently testify to one's qualities when seeking marriage. Such qualities can help lay the foundations for a blessed union.
Similarly, in the case of Prophet Musa عَلَيْهِ ٱلسَّلَامُ, his noble characteristics were highlighted after helping the female shepherds. One of them later testified to his great conduct, leading to a marriage offer by their father. Surah Al-Qasas describes the events:
One of the two daughters suggested, “O my dear father! Hire him. A strong, trustworthy person is definitely the best to hire.”
The old man proposed, “I wish to marry one of these two daughters of mine to you.
It should be noted that the other criteria should not be ignored entirely when considering spouses for marriage, but should be balanced with religious considerations. For example, when it comes to beauty the Prophet ordered a man to view his fiancee before he married her. Abu Hurairah (Allah be pleased with him) reported:
I was in the company of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) when there came a man and informed him that he had contracted to marry a woman of the Ansar. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: Did you cast a glance at her? He said: No.
He said: Go and cast a glance at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansar.
This is to ensure love and affection will be harbored between the couple, showcasing physical attraction shouldn’t be discounted entirely, alongside wealth or lineage. However Khawlah’s matchmaking technique was to also highlight Aisha and Sawda’s value through religious devotion, and Prophet Musa was celebrated for excellent character. This provides a clear framework for how we select high quality marriage candidates.
Why Matchmakers Matter
A matchmaker can be a close friend, a relative or a witness to a person’s good character who can intercede for them. They operate not only as a conveyer of information but conduct enquiries and help families learn about the other to ensure suitability.
In the case of the Prophet ﷺ, whose noble character is unquestionable, Khawla's role was to communicate any questions on the family’s behalf before the marriage went ahead.
This allowed Abu Bakr to enquire about their relationship as brothers, and whether the Prophet qualified as a mahram (guardian). The Prophet’s response was that brothers in faith were not the same as brothers in blood. As a result, the path was cleared for marriage.
In general, families must conduct background checks, make enquiries and ensure they are satisfied with the candidate before proceeding. It’s vital to conduct pre-marriage investigations with family involvement from the start to avoid any emotional entanglements between prospective spouses.
The Prophet ﷺ himself advised others on selecting appropriate marriage candidates. When Fatima bint Qais was divorced by her husband she received marriage offers after finishing her Idda (waiting period). She went to the Prophet to enquire about them. Fatima narrates:
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: As for Abu Jahm, he does not put down his staff from his shoulder, and as for Mu'awiya, he is a poor man having no property; marry Usama ibn Zaid. I objected to him, but he again said: Marry Usama; so I married him. Allah blessed us therein and I was envied (by others).
The Modern World and the Collapse of Community
Matchmaking has changed considerably in the last few decades, and is part of a larger societal change in the modern world. In the past century, mass urbanisation, consumerism and technological advancement has changed how we communicate, work and interact. Yet it has also spawned its own unique problems - namely, the decline of the community.
Our access to the outside world has changed. Office culture has limited one's personal time, much of the day is spent working and commuting, keeping one in a constant state of exhaustion and survival. Modern cities have spawned apartment buildings, parking lots and shopping centres – erasing the parks, libraries and community centres. In its place are cafes, arcades and restaurants, reframing social interaction under a consumerist lens.
Technology has spawned new ways of living. The expansion of social media, streaming services, remote work, online shopping and delivery apps have made it easy to work, seek entertainment and access consumer goods without speaking to anybody at all.
This has ushered in a hyper-individualist age where people are becoming increasingly isolated from one another. Many are confined to the same circles of friends and colleagues, with little connection to wider social networks. Generations are growing up with fewer opportunities for spontaneous connections, meaningful relationships and the communal support that once brought people together.
A loneliness crisis takes shape across the world, affecting both young and old. The community’s collapse has been replaced with individual responsibility. A person must acquire most things on their own: wealth, friends, mentors and even marriage partners.
The modernist landscape has naturally decreased the role of matchmakers. Traditionally, marriage was a collective affair involving many external parties. Without a community, matchmakers cannot source candidates, forge connections, or interact with potential families.
Their role relies on interpersonal relationships by navigating a bustling, diverse community of neighbours, family friends, relatives and visitors who are united by communal values. When these networks disappear, as do the matchmakers.
The Rise of Commercial Matchmaking
With the decline of family and social ties, the marriage process has become a laborious personal search. As a result, a new solution has emerged to fill the gap: paid matchmaking. The matchmaking industry has exploded in the last decade.
Marriage apps have appeared online, promising to unite couples using advanced algorithms. Each service requires a subscription fee to gain the best matches. Meanwhile, in-person marriage events provide a space for interested couples – after buying a ticket. The modern world has commercialised matchmaking. A once free service.
Candidate suitability is determined by curated online biographies, complex personality questionnaires and programmed algorithms to match potential candidates. The criteria can include age, wealth, appearance, location, interests and hobbies.
Technology has also given couples direct access to one another anywhere in the world. Once the algorithm matches a potential couple, they are expected to privately interact. This is through online messaging, social media, voice messages, photo exchanges and direct calls.
While some matchmaking apps breed successful marriages, they have also blurred the line between Islamic marriage and Western dating. The latter often relies on private, one-to-one interaction to establish attraction and “chemistry”. This model has been adopted by many marriage apps and in person ‘speed dating’ events where mixing between non-mahrams is frequent.
Successful interaction leads to personal contacts - often direct phone numbers - being exchanged. It then becomes the couple’s responsibility to involve families or include mahrams. This creates moral failures if no checks and balances are maintained by external matchmaking parties.
Challenges include prolonged talking stages, inappropriate conversations, emotional manipulation, harassment, illicit photo sharing and pre-marital relationships. This is why human matchmakers are integral to creating a boundary of propriety between prospective couples and their families. When suitors are expected to manage themselves, it turns a communal responsibility into an individual burden.
The Qur'an instructs the Muslim community as a whole to: “Marry off those among you who are single” (Qur'an 24:32). The Prophet ﷺ likewise taught that Allah is helping the servant as long as the servant is helping his brother. (Muslim, 2699). Together, these teachings establish a culture in which Muslims are encouraged to support one another, including in matters as significant as marriage.
Yet Islamic teachings also place boundaries around private interactions between unmarried men and women. The Prophet ﷺ warned that “no man is alone with a woman except that the third of them is Shaytan.” (Sahih Muslim 1480a)
To counter this problem, some Muslim marriage apps strictly make female users add a mahram (guardian) to ensure it’s Shariah compliant, who receives a transcript of any conversations online. Unfortunately, not every app stops unregulated conversations between non-Mahrams.
It shows there has to be a collective responsibility to ensure young Muslims are not driven to free mixing, whether online or in-person, via matchmaking platforms and private events. These organisations must uphold an Islamic duty to protect the dignity of its members. This mindset must be driven by an awareness of Allah and the Last Day.
Rebuilding the Community: How to Restore the Balance
The previous section analysed the role of paid matchmaking, its role and overall impact. The question remains whether modern matchmaking is the answer to fixing a continued marriage crisis. When matchmaking becomes a business model it naturally benefits from prolonged marriage searches, personal disappointment and continued membership. Can this system truly be the solution to solving a deeply human and spiritual problem?
As stated before, matchmaking has historically been a human process. A role filled organically by grandparents, parents, neighbours and mutual friends who had good social connections with many people. However, the demands of the modern world have introduced technology to fill the gap of a declining community. This doesn’t mean one system has to over power the other, but both worlds need to work together in a holistic union.
We must learn to balance nature with a new modern reality. Technology needs to be paired with human intervention to create balance, just as Allah established balance in all things. Allah the Almighty says in Surah Ar-Rahman:
He has raised up the sky. He has set the balance
so that you may not exceed in the balance:
The most important responsibility is to rebuild the community by creating spaces where people can connect and organise. Arguably, masjids and Islamic organisations are the centre of the community and must play a significant role in bringing people together. Part of this role is to help revive organic matchmaking. Marriage searches should not rest solely on individual suitors but should be supported by imams, local community leaders and daʿees.
Appointed individuals within the community could help screen candidates and facilitate introductions. Masjids and organisations could establish a local marriage directory through an app or website, allowing Muslims interested in marriage to create marriage CVs, while families could exchange personal details through an appropriate intermediary.
This is already happening to an extent in China, where parent-led marriage searches have begun to surge, taking place in locations like parks. Local matchmakers receive resumes and candidate details from local families. These appointed middlemen scour the community to find individuals who fit these descriptions. This creates an interconnected web where trusted individuals use their personal networks to produce matches.
The South China Morning Post describes the story of Zhou Shipeng who went from searching for marriage to launching his own personal matchmaking service, simply by using his community ties. The article describes his process:
Zhou saw an opportunity to act as a middleman. He became adept at recording the parents’ desired resumes for their future in-laws – such as height, profession, or dating history – and searching the community for people who met the standards.
Over the past few years, Zhou has helped 346 couples tie the knot. He said his success is due to his effort to understand each person, which makes it far more likely that he will facilitate the correct match.
This is one way in which community matchmakers can facilitate connections, coupled with technology which organises vast amounts of candidate data to identify suitors. This process assists matchmakers in conducting personal searches, background checks and maintaining a record of interested parties. This allows them to navigate a wide, diverse community who are locally based.
Conclusion
Overall, matchmaking needs a desperate revival in the modern world. The legacy of Khawlah bint Hakim provides a strong example of how community ties and human connection remains integral to bringing families together. While marriage apps are not ineffective per se – they cannot be relied on as the sole method to revive a human process. This creates an opportunity for communities to come together via the masjids and local organisations to produce new matchmakers, who can harness technology and personal connections to revive Islamic marriage in the modern world.
Research Resources
JazakAllahu khair for reading. Please benefit the ummah by sharing this knowledge. Feel free to download this article for offline reading or consult the bibliography below.
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al-Bayhaqī, A. ibn al-Ḥusayn (2003) Dalāʾil al-Nubuwwah wa-Maʿrifat Aḥwāl Ṣāḥib al-Sharīʿah. Beirut: Dār al-Kutub al-ʿIlmiyyah, hadith no. 13863.
al-Bukhārī, M.I. (1997) Sahih al-Bukhari: The Translation of the Meanings. Translated by Muhammad Muhsin Khan. Riyadh: Darussalam. Hadith 5090.
Ibn Saʿd, M. (1995) The Women of Madina, Vol. 8 of Kitab al-Tabaqat al-Kabir. Translated by S. Moinul Haq. Karachi: Dar-ul-Ishaat, pp. 39–40.
Muslim, M. ibn al-Ḥajjāj (n.d.) Sahih Muslim. Hadith 2699a. Available at: Sahih Muslim 2699a (Accessed: 17 August 2026).
Muslim, M. ibn al-Ḥajjāj (n.d.) Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1424a. Available at: Sahih Muslim 1424a (Accessed: 16 August 2026).
Muslim, M. ibn al-Ḥajjāj (n.d.) Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1480a. Available at: Sahih Muslim 1480a (Accessed: 16 August 2026).
Muslim, M. ibn al-Ḥajjāj (n.d.) Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1480a. Available at: Sahih Muslim 1480a (Accessed: 17 August 2026).
Su, L. (2024) ‘Man in China fails to find life partner after 20 blind dates, sees role reversed, helps more than 300 couples’, South China Morning Post, 27 March. Available at: South China Morning Post article (Accessed: 19 August 2026).
Khawlah bint Ḥakīm was a matchmaker during the time of the Prophet ﷺ, who helped couples marry — including the Prophet himself. Her strong people skills and ability to unite families is a desperately needed role in modern society, which has experienced a decline in matchmakers. This article analyses the legacy of Khawlah bint Hakīm and explores the ways the Muslim community can revive organic matchmaking in the contemporary age.